One of the only over-riding truths I can reveal about myself to my readers is that I disappoint people.
I’ve been disappointing people since childhood and I’m sure I’ll continue the trend well into my old age.
I can’t seem to help it. I’m not doing it on purpose. In fact, I try very hard not to be an asshole. Yet – somehow – somewhere – someone is disappointed.
So…. fuck it.
They’re just gong to have to be disappointed. Why? Because I’ve made a promise to myself – to continue to live my one and only shot at this life – in a way that makes me grateful for what I have and proud of who I am.
Disappointment used to scare me. In fact, it kept me stuck in unhealthy patterns of people-pleasing for years.
I didn’t want people to be mad at me. I didn’t want them to dislike me. I didn’t want them to think bad things about me. Or talk about me behind my back. Or be mean to me to my face.
I spent years of my life giving so many shits about everyone else’s opinion of me, I forgot about my own opinion of me.
I spent so many years of my life living the way other people wanted me to, I forgot to live the way I wanted to.
Until I became peri-menopausal.
Once that happened, all those shits ran screaming in the other direction while I slid into the depths of a Spiritual crisis* that made everything about me want to be different.
To summarize, once I turned 40, I realized there was something missing.
I couldn’t name it. It wasn’t a person. Or an object. A home. Or a vacation.
It was a ‘feeling’ – a knowing that the way I lived needed to change or I would end up missing out on the entire reason I was given a life in the first place.
I couldn’t explain it in words – to the disappointment of family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and colleagues…
There was simply something gnawing at my insides, begging me to pay attention. Day after day it screamed, clawed, and ferociously fought for me to let it out.
I couldn’t ignore it.
I couldn’t silence it.
I couldn’t kill it.
I struggled every day. And I was scared.
I felt an overwhelmingly deep longing to connect to my life as if I were a lover having an orgasm at my very existence. The strength of the emotion of wanting to be ‘alive’ – of allowing unbridled passion, love, excitement, and joy to overcome me – was both my greatest desire and my biggest fear.
The more I explored what was happening to me, the more I disappointed the people around me. It was as if the Universe was saying –
HERE! HERE IS YOUR LIFE. HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT? HOW AUTHENTICALLY REAL ARE YOU WILLING TO GET TO HAVE IT? ARE YOU READY TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF? ARE YOU READY TO BE HONEST OTHERS? ARE YOU READY TO LET OTHERS BE HONEST WITH YOU?
ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP AND SHOUT – THIS IS ME! I DON’T APOLOGIZE!
The more I explored what my Spirit wanted and needed out of this life, the more the Universe tested me.
Friends I dearly loved stopped speaking to me.
Family members yelled and screamed at me.
Acquaintances wrote me hostile e-mails.
Everything became volatile as change unfolded in my life. Yet, something within me knew I had to keep going – despite everyone else’s fear, disappointment, anger, and opinion. I had to allow myself to change. To grow. To be a better, more impassioned, loving and alive person.
So I did. And what I found was…
- allowing a disappointed person to exit my life meant I had more time, space, and energy to explore the passion I was so desperately seeking.
- the relationships I kept became much more authentic and meaningful.
- new people and experiences flooded my existence.
- letting myself grow and change, as scary and uncomfortable as it sometimes felt, was the only choice my Soul could make.
Now, I live my life my way. Yes, that continues to disappoint people. However, I’ve learned to accept their disappointment as a direct sign from the Universe that I’m doing the personal and Spiritual work I was meant to do in this life.
And I feel fully, passionately, orgasmically alive while doing it.
**I talk in depth about my Spiritual crisis in the first few posts of this blog. Click Here to start at the beginning…**